Friday, April 22, 2016

this story won me a t-shirt

Actually, here is the TRUE story of why I could not attend.

See it all started a few weeks ago back in west North York, a part of Toronto, where I live. I was born in Toronto, but raised out on the east coast of Canada. I've spent most of my days online, usually on forums, and mostly, gaming related forums. Chatting with pals, maxing my scores, relaxing, all cool; shooting some bad guys outside of school. Then a couple of guys, they were both named mike, starting making trouble on the forums I like; I got in one little fight and the mods got scared and said "You're moving with your baggage and getting out of my hair"

I cried for a while and poured a scotch on the rocks, then found a forum related to EU by Paradox, if anything I could say this forums was rare, but I thought, nae forget it, lets set up camp over there. I pulled up to the forum in 2009 and made an brand new account that was mine. I thought it was a bit odd, considering how the past few day's events could be easily turned into a rhyme and set to some well known music, but decided that this was just a coincidence, and moved on. 

There is, of course, quite a gap between 2009 and the current year. That however is not my fault. No really, it's just how fast time goes. I can't make it go faster. Reality is not like a Paradox game where you can add another chevron and suddenly the entire world is moving to the beat of a new drummer. Drums, however, ironically, are a key part of the reason. You see, I never learned how to play an instrument. Well, not well anyway. I did take guitar, and piano as a kid. I just sucked at them. I decided however to take up drums. Mostly because I thought you just banged things at random. Speaking of banging things at random, remind me to tell you about Ben, my slick friend. Sadly, Ben passed away last month from toomuchsexitus. See, Ben was somebody who would always have a bro's back. He was a bro's bro. He was the kind of guy that you wanted to have around cause he knew were to find all the girls. Sadly, he would also steal all the girls and leave none for anybody else. Well, unless their names were Bertha or Matilda. See, Bertha and Matilda were very nice, great personalities, but in the looks department... Well, they did not look very well at all, they looked very very bad, mostly because they were both blind and it's hard to look at things when your eyes don't work. They were both smokin hot though. Matilda was the one who showed me how to read braille, which is a key part of why I could not attend. 

You see, braille is that language that blind people read, with all the bumps and whatanot. The varying number of bumps mean different things. This was key to our revelation that the bumps spread out in the parking lot spelled out words. It took us days to drive the entire lot, at night, when it was empty, to figure it all out. The message we did get, however, was outright shocking. Or no wait. That was when we crashed into the electric pole cause I wasn't paying attention to where I was driving. Aw I miss the days when I used to drive. For some reason they wouldn't let me renew my licence. I thought these people were supposed to be PROFESSIONAL. One little love tap of the drive center on my way in and they are all like "waaa you shattered all our glass and drove into our lobby waaa no we are not going to renew your licence" I swear these people have no idea what the hell they are doing. Government workers. Am I right?? Speaking of government, did you know I ran for election? Twice? No really I did.,_2003,_2006 see, Nick J Boragina. That's me. Nothing to do with the story, I just like to brag.

This is when things started to get interesting. You see, I was at the downtown office filling out my birth certificate application. I had to call my mother cause the questions they ask are crazy! She told me all the various answers. When then. All of a sudden. Out of nowhere. 

The pen stopped working. 

I shook it, you know, and even tried that putting it to your tongue trick. Nothing. I asked them to borrow one, but they only bad those bank pens that are tied to the desk. I wanted to sit down, however. I decided the quickest way to solve this was to go to the local corner store and get some cheap pen and finish the damn thing. I told them I'd be right back and they were cool with it, saying I could take the application. This, of course, made me suspicious. I mean, what kind of government worker is cool with doing something logical and reasonable? No kind. This is when I started to see the truth behind it all. They secretly were not cool with it! So I slammed down the papers on the desk and declared that I was done with these shenanigans! I'm here, and thus, I HAD to be born. No more of this sillyness. Then I marched out of there.

Damn government thinking they are better than everyone else. Anyway, I was mad. I called up some friends of mine, and went to pick them up. We drove around a bit while I blew off some steam. The 4 of us had a great chat though, made me feel a lot better. I decided to give them hugs. When suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant truck appeared and slammed RIGHT into the car! The driver must have ran for it cause when I looked there was nobody in the truck at all! Nor were there anyone else in any of other the trucks in the parking lot. Suspicious, am I right? We got out of the car and decided to find the manager of this place so I could complain. I found an open door, after I pried it open with a crowbar. We walked into the building. Oddly quiet it was. We decided to explore. We went high and low looking for anything to use as evidence against these madmen and their trucks. Nothing. Suddenly! The power went out. We all screamed! Well I screamed. The blind girls didn't even notice. So Ben and I asked them to help guide us back out and they were happy to oblige. The two of them lead us right back to the exit without a single problem.

Wow, I thought, these girls have super powers! Ben and I decided we needed to make love to them, to you know, steal their super-powers. We waited for a bus and went back to Ben's place. See, this is where things got interesting, cause, the bus fare was $2.60 and I put a $10 in the slot for all of us, but the driver was like "nooooo" and wanted another quarter and dime and nickel. I told him he wasnt getting his grubby paws on my change, and told this totalitarian NAZI where he could go and how he could get there. I marched off the bus. Ben suggested taking a stroll though beautiful downtown Toronto. I told him that the only parts of downtown I knew were the ugly parts, and that I wasn't even sure if Toronto had any beautiful areas. He just laughed for some reason and said I was funny. This, of course, made me suspicious.

Over the next few hours I secretly plotted with the girls to ditch Ben when he least expected it. It took careful planning, and I had meticulous notes. The plan would unfold as follows. First, Ben would go to the washroom. Then, we'd walk away. We put the plan into action and it worked. Now it was just me with the two lovely ladies. The three of us decided to head on off to the airport because on the road there, all the nice restaurants had set up shop. We decided to stop by at Lone Star, a high class place serving the best in tex-mex food and other crap. We hopped on a bus, and I put another $10 in the slot. This time the driver didn't say anything. he he he, sucker. We managed to get there about an hour later.

After lunch, we went to the airport proper so that we could see Bertha off on her trip to Paris. While we were waiting I happened to notice her reading a sign. The sign was in that crazy bumpy-blind-person-language. I decided to read it too, having learned it from the girls out of an attempt to impress them to get into their pants. The sign said that the blind could ask for special assistance in getting though security. "SCORE" I thought "I can finally go to that Paradox whatchamacallit". I promptly pushed Matilda over the railing while snatching her sunglasses and cane. 

I decided, however, one was not enough, to I stole Bertha's cane and went off running. I ran up a flight of stairs, down another, though an escalator, around the parking. Whew. I lost em. Running away from helpless blind people is hard. Anyway, I happened to see a small musicband packing, or perhaps, un packing their things. These geniuses had left all their equipment unattended. I decided now was my chance. I whipped out the canes I'd borrowed and started to play the drums. Somehow, the musicians noticed me and gave chase. I was running away when security stopped me. I showed them not just one of my canes but BOTH of them. They said it was suspicious. How can it be suspicious if I have TWO canes? That's like, super unsuspicious. 

Anyway, to make a long story short, I couldn't attend because those jerks threw me in jail for some reason. My hearing is next Thursday.

No comments:

Post a Comment